I am back to being unemployed once again. Yet, this time it feels different. I am not enjoying this period of transition as much as I was expecting to. The first month had been a breeze because I did some travelling and we all know how going away always does magic to making one feel good and free.
Good things always come to an end, and soon I found myself back home with credit card bills, debts and depleting savings, taking me on an instant swing back to job hunting. Finding a job outside of my usual profession has been more challenging than I had expected, but I will cover that in another post. With only one or two interviews lined up despite sending in countless job applications, it has been nothing but discouraging and stressful.
I briefly considered an internship with an international NGO but I would barely be able to put bread on the table with the stipend. My family thinks my Masters degree is worth much more than that. I honestly do not care as long as I am happy doing what I am doing. I also believe we can learn something from every experience, which could be more valuable than money. But the guilt of letting my family down or throwing their ‘face’ is too much to live with.
So I must keep on chugging on, trying to maintain every bit of hope and positivity in me, even though I feel a little more vulnerable with every passing day. I know I need to make a list of ways to help me cope, especially during the darker hours when I feel fear or anxiety. So recently, I discovered that on top of doing the things that I enjoy such as cooking and exercise, being alone also helps maintain my sanity. Too many voices turn even the best advice into noise. Perhaps, my heart is the only voice that really wants to be heard by me. But the sad truth is, this is not yet a time for the heart. This is a time for the head, for the hands, for the dough to be made and for the people in my life who needs me to earn as much money as I possibly can even more than I think I do.
In the meantime, I watch videos to take me to a reality outside of my own. I listen to music to shut out from the hustle and bustle that I feel socially isolated from. I sing and play my ukelele as loud as I want to, even out of tune, because it makes me feel happy and alive. And because I still want to believe someday I can achieve that crazy dream of mine.