To say my new full-time job has kept me from writing in recent months is an excuse I probably should spare me. I had chosen this path of employment. And now I choose to do my best and be responsible for the work that has been entrusted to me. The adjustment to a new workplace environment is not easy (especially as one gets older), but I believe I am slowly finding my place of balance and belonging. I have discovered that sense of ‘belonging’ comes a lot from within, and being able to own oneself was a critical step in feeling belonged without the need for anyone else’s acceptance to affirm my being or becoming. This inner work will and must continue, because the struggle to fit in no matter how old or where we are is real.
I shall confess I also have had other distractions of late, like sex and dating. I was curious about how sex and self-love related to each other. I wondered if two people could have sex without any emotional strings attached. I wanted to learn how to communicate my feelings, my needs and my desires, in a way that I have never dared to vocalise before. I wanted to do things differently because my history of failed relationships must meant that something did not work. (Was it me?) But as I dug a little deeper, I saw there is still a part of me needing affirmations from others to feel okay about being me. The awareness is building up slowly and that’s great, but it certainly does not take away the self-doubt overnight. The unknown still scares me crazy, but I want to stay open and vulnerable.
This morning, I stood behind my door and took a moment to pause at my Vision Board. I read out to myself each post-it with my heart’s desires written from a few months ago but some of them no longer tugged at my heart’s strings in the same way as when it was first written. So I gave myself the permission to make changes to the Vision Board to make it as true and relevant to what I truly want in this present moment. I also made a mental note to myself that Self-Love is still a priority in my life and I am going to stop apologising or feeling bad for it. There is nothing wrong with choosing exercise over work, to be in my own recluse or even spending my time on what seems like frivolous activities like watching drama series even if it might seem irrational to someone else. All of us have different priorities in life, but we make a choice of how we spend our time every day. At the end of the day, we simply live with the decisions we have made or the consequences if any.