Where is the fire?

Last weekend I attended the Love & Light Festival and felt myself drawn to have a reading session with Margaret. I had no prior intention of spending any money and had no specific areas in my life I was seeking answers about. Life was alright. Love was good. Work was well, work. I sat across from Margaret and confessed I had no specific question. She reminded me we only had 20 minutes so we had to try and narrow down to an area. I eventually decided I would like to know the general purpose of my life and not necessarily about work (yes, how vague). Then, she asked me if something bad had happened at work for me in recent months. Though it was more than a year ago in human time, the most recent experience that instinctively came up was still about the bad place. Retelling my experience made me realised I was not completely okay yet. Margaret helped me to understand the extent of damage that was done and the healing work that needs to happen. Leaving my old workplace had taken me away from harm to a safe space, but I have not fully let go of past hurts. My heart is not quite here. Maybe that explains why I struggle to give 100% at work and the increasing Monday blues. The current work has been just work that is convenient and safe enough for me to earn my keeps. Any work that calls for more effort or time frustrates or pains me. I wonder if it is because parts of me were wounded and jaded, not fully healed. With every day that passes by, I continued to question the purpose of my being in this place, how I fit into the role and how long more I could do this. The negative self-talk is also becoming harder to fight off, as I am constantly expected to show up and step up. I have no qualms about being vulnerable to my boss or the team, but I was more worried about letting people down, about not living up to the high hopes or expectations they might have of me, about being an unnecessary burden to the million responsibilities every other person has. In many ways, I guess I feel like I have to deal with my own shit like everyone else is. Margaret also told me that my spirit was exhausted. “Burnout”. I heard that word too many times in my profession for it to mean anything. But I know I had given much of me to everyone around me and it was wearing me down. The fire in me was fading. Where is the song in my heart? Where is my passion? I have forgotten what were my dreams or aspirations. The reading session has stirred up something deeper inside of me. I was very heavy-hearted and emotional this entire week and the worst part was not knowing why or what it was about. I remember my previous boss told me that I choose to put a dark cloud over myself and I need to just move away from it. Was she right? Were my past ghosts coming back to haunt me because I never did let them go for good? What were these ghosts? What emotional baggages do I have that I am not aware of? I had to turn to reiki and meditation to ground me just to get through work for the past few days (thankfully that helped). The only way I can describe what it feels like right now is that a can of worms has been opened and I am feeling half scared to know what is inside and half anxious to deal with them. I also know there is no other easy way out of this. I had done tarot card readings a few times in the past, but somehow Margaret got to me in a way that was different. It had a certain effect on me and my heart feels unsettled. My gut tells me I have to meet with her again. After some deliberation and encouragement from my very supportive other half, I finally decided to reach out again to Margaret to do a full hour angel reading this weekend. This is perhaps one of the most unorthodox things I am doing in my life but I am trying to be open about it. It’s not going to be easy but I am more than ready to own my shit and deal with it.

To be continued.

“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown

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